Believe it or not, I thought this would be terrifying. Believe it or not. It's not.
The corners of my lips are slightly curved upwards in a smile as I type this. Location, local recreational center cafeteria, purpose; waiting for my stepdaughter- will be referred to as oldest daughter from now on- as she feeds two birds with one hand by indulging in her love for basketball and burning some calories while she's at it. I smell the chlorinated pool water. I feel aligned.
My oldest daughter recently moved in with us. A plan us all three of her parents have had all along and yet the timing of it has been anything but truly challenging on top of an already bumpy ride of year for our colorful family. This blog isn't about all that. Just me going on a tangent. Per usual.
Why was I convinced writing, a labor of love for me, was going to be a terrifying experience?
Where did all of my courage go? Why was I hiding while I suffered and worked on myself so hard? Where was my authenticity? Did I lose it? Was I even hiding or giving myself what I desperately needed? These and many more questions have plagued my soul on and off for the past 9 months. I am not here to answer all of them in one blog or promise to do so in a podcast series. No. I have learned how to tame the perfectionist and the people pleaser in me and live in harmony with them. But I do want to share a few thoughts to say howdy back to all you beautiful humans!
Let's not ignore the 9 month pregnancy pun. Not intended! I don't do pregnancy jokes for 5 obvious reasons.
So. What happens when we hurt and hide? Do we risk losing ourselves, our roles, passion and gifts during difficult seasons?
I am here to tell yes we do. And hopefully make you glad that it is so.
Let's face it. Depression sucks. Trauma blows. Complicated family structures are a pain in the ass. Health is fragile. Marriage and relationships are trigger machines, kids are just icky and sticky and annoying and challenging. Life is painful and the world can be a hurtful place.
Seriously though, no lies were typed in the paragraphs above.
The bigger picture is THIS. It is way easier when we accept how hard it all is. When you stop fighting that life IS difficult, it STOPS mattering that it is difficult. Tough seasons are just that.Tough. We tell no stories about the toughness. Icky times come and have their way with you, you watch them, you adjust, you bitch and complain to a few good empathetic witnesses, friends and a therapist (mine deserve a gold medal) and allow that season to transform you. Surrender your roles, relationships, plans, passions to the fire, toss them all in, trusting that they will not burn but rather will be renewed.
So hard. But life changing!
I promise, you will love better, mother better, sell better, teach better, plan better, be better, heal better, write better, lead better.
Hello ya'll! How have you been?