It was an all too familiar pit in the stomach kind of feeling. One of those you get after engaging in a conflict with someone you love. Once again, I thought, there he goes misunderstanding me.
It wasn't long until I had a line up of stories that followed the initial thought. I went all the way to our past and found reasons to support that story. I constructed an appealing case to myself about my husbands dedication to get me wrong. Soon after, I projected into the doomed future we are going to have as he is going to keep misunderstanding me. I added my belief that he is a stubborn human and followed that with an assumption that this relatively minor conflict is going to rise to a magnitude of monstrous proportions. I lined up everything I was going to say to win the argument and make myself right, to win. By then, my body was exhibiting the physiological symptoms of stress and anxiety. A consuming energy catabolic and destructive in nature continued to rise in me.
Then I simply thought, "what if I did not believe this story?"
Would I somehow dedicate the same energy to find the fallacies in that story as I did it's polar opposite? Could I go into our past and find reasons to support that that man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with does indeed understands me and cares for me deeply? Could I prove to myself that he has compromised to meet me halfway and even overextended in support of me?
The answer was a resounding yes. I experienced a shift in energy, emotion and even the way I stood upright in the middle of our kitchen. I started planning how to communicate what I was feeling and ask we work together to resolve the conflict we faced. A realization overtook me; I have come a long way from passive aggression, pouting, victim identity, labeling, shouting, slamming doors or walking away.
I have made the leap from ego to consciousness.
We fear conflict. We label it bad and undesirable. We seek a non-existent, picture perfect connection with others that always hits the high notes and offers instagrammable moments. Then we see conflict arise in every relationship worth having with another human being and feel defeated about it. We have somehow labeled an inevitable and date I say crucial event in human connection as an undesirable anomaly.
What if we experience a shift through it? What if it actually is the only way to love deeper, grow wiser, heal and unchain in a profound life-altering way?
We may not be able to always channel consciousness into every conflict we have. We may not be able to choose against the programmed, practiced and automated reflexes of egoic avoidance, attack or apathy. But we can choose what we do afterwards, we can shift on the second thought and choose to question the stories we hold on to for dear life.
In this week's podcast, me and my husband chose to share our experiences with conflict.
As far from perfect as we are (perfection is not the goal), our intention is to inspire a paradigm shift in the listener that will allow them to view conflict a little differently. Furthermore, sharing what worked and did not work for us when it comes to resolving ours we offer
tips towards having a productive conflict with your loved one.
It was an exciting 1hr long discussion I am so proud to bring to you. Proud of where we have come as a couple and that we choose to help others sharing what we know.
I hope you love it as much as we do! Please share your thoughts with us.